Friday, February 15, 2013

Ornery Antics


Blondie is getting better!! Not to mention ornery. I have to keep her inside more now that she is stretching the fence all to hell. Today I took the bottom row of wire off, in hopes that she would be more obliged to eat the grass under the fence, rather than over it. But still, the other day when I let her out in the pasture I got after her for going over the fence again and she lashed out at me, getting pretty close with both hind feet. So I made her go around the pasture a couple times, working her this way and that, to get some energy out while also showing her that kicking (and aiming) at me is unacceptable. She doesn't seem to like my sister's goats too much. She will eat around Orion (the goat in the picture) but pins her ears back when she goes near the other goats. I don't know why she feels the need to defend herself when they are 5 times smaller than her.

She might just be getting a little too spoiled, what with all this hay, grain, and pasture area all to herself. Not to mention she has the comforts of a 2 horse stall, which most horses never get to experience. I don't mind cleaning it every day though. It's something I'm used to. It gives me some time alone from everyone else, considering I don't have my own room anymore (or any room at all for the matter). It's kind of like Blondie and I share it as a place of our own. That is, until the goat stall gets built. Then it'll be gone too.


Sadie really likes the new routine of feeding the horse every morning, cleaning the pasture and stall at 3pm, and night feeding at 6-7pm. She really thinks she's a horse. The other day she was eating snow next to Blondie, as Blondie was grazing on grass. Trying to make a statement Sadie?? Silly dog. She even eats Blondie's grain. Now when I feed Blondie, I have to make sure Sadie is a safe distance away or Blondie gets irritated and pins her ears. I don't need to make a trip to the vet. Yikes!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

One in a million

They say a person's horse is the mirror image of themselves, and that sometimes you don't like what you see. Blondie & I have both been through Hell and back, but I don't see why God shouldn't give us a chance just to be. We may be banged up a little, but we always find each other in the end. It just took us awhile to realize that neither one can live without the other.


I think what we both needed was for someone to let loose on the reins and just let us be free. To stop holding us back and locking us down into what they thought we needed. And that's what we found in each other; freedom. We found life, and hope, and meaning. The world made sense again.


We always find our way back to each other, because we are two parts to one whole. One soul, two beings. We are each other's purpose; each other's definition and meaning. We are one. We can feel each other entirely with our hearts, hear each other's thoughts. We are one of a kind; one in a million.

Every day I question myself about selling her, and every day I tell myself it will only hurt for a little while. That I will look back at our time together and smile and be thankful. Every day I push down that realization that it's NOT just going to go away. Surely, I will not be able to lose her without first losing a part of myself. It's going to hurt...It's going to hurt because it matters.


Maybe I'll continue to laugh; to smile. Maybe I'll hide that crack in my heart or maybe I'll cry for days, months...but there will always be those nights where the memory will tear me apart. You try spending 18 years finding the one thing that makes sense in the world & then have no choice but to let it go. See how easily you break & deteriorate. How quickly you lose faith & motivation.



Yea, so there are rules in life like paying taxes, working for your keep, or buying your own house. Things you have to do in order to live a good life. But what's all that worth in the end if you're not doing what you love? Success is determined by happiness. Not the other way around. All I know are horses. They are my life. Blondie is my life. What else do I have when that is gone?? Everything I've been taught, everything I've seen or learned will become of no use. I will become of no use. What then?
     Life isn't supposed to be easy. But it's not supposed to be something you regret. The problem is, people are generally given one or the other. And I already know how this story ends.

Monday, February 4, 2013

All I Have

I'm getting tired of everyone telling me how great Blondie is and how we're two parts to one soul. And how I should be considered crazy for trying to sell her. I already know that she is part of me, but I'm not crazy for selling her. If I had a choice I'd keep her. But choices aren't in my favor. I spent all morning the other day filling out financial aid paperwork for the stack of medical bills that have been endlessly provoking me. I still have yet to land a job, and that isn't looking too hopeful either. The world isn't the same anymore. Things are harder. Decisions have to be made. I'll be in debt because of those med bills until I'm old and wrinkly. Not to mention I have college loans to pay off from Findlay. I don't have the money to pay my car insurance and I have nothing else...I just have Blondie. That's it. And I have no choice but to give her up and make sure she has a home where she won't be mistreated ever again. I find it..UNBELIEVABLY sad that I seem to be the only one who knows how to take care of her. She deserves to live a long and fat life. But I won't be able to give it to her. Especially not while I'm trying to get back on my feet as well. I'm doing my best to give her what she needs. This month alone she needs shots & vaccines, her teeth floated, more dewormer, and possibly the farrier. It just keeps getting harder. God must really stretch his ways in order to test us this much (not that I'm complaining). If everything turns out "okay in the end" it doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters to me anymore. Everyone keeps telling me to "sink or float." Well no matter how far, hard, or long you swim to stay afloat, eventually you will sink. It's more like a crappy riddle than any kind of advice. I'd rather just stick to my own terms.