Ever since Blondie left, life ceased to make sense. It still doesn't make sense. There's nothing I care about. I've cried soooooo many nights alone in my apartment. I've been running more to get rid of the waning feeling of depression. I've been fighting off sadness, anxiety, and the feeling of being useless. Every time I get up, I watch myself fall right back down. And then I just don't care whether I get back up or not. I mean, what do you do when your life is stripped from you? The only thing that matters to your soul, your being, your personal values and beliefs? It's still hard. It only feels like it's getting harder.
My brother shipped out for the Marines. I miss him. My sister is already looking into college and will be off on her own in a year or so. I'm worried about her, but proud. And then there's me. I'm stuck in this rut. Ever since Blondie left I've been stuck, indecisive, sleepless, over-thinking, depressed, lost. Mostly lost. How could one soul have such a huge impact on a person? I feel like Blondie left along with half of my soul. How do I get that back?
When I was taking classes at Owens Community College, trying to find some kind of distraction, I made a video for my Humanities class. I made it about Blondie. The last time I ever did Join-Up with her. My teacher really liked it, even praised me and told the other classes about it. She said it was so emotional after I explained what was going on in the video:
The first half of the video is of Blondie when she was healthy and very happy. When she was trustful and willing. I'd had her for almost a year and known her for almost 3 years by that time. The last half is after she was neglected by some VERY DISGRACEFUL PEOPLE who should be in jail for their crime. She was angry, dangerous, and temperamental. Join-up was the only real way to bring her back body, mind, and soul. She had even got a few good kicks in when I had gotten too close in the pasture. I remember walking into the house with a big hoof print on my jeans. Although I didn't punish her for that. I deserved it. It was my fault.
BUT here's the video....
I've been looking into Ohio State University, but I don't even feel like there's a point to college anymore. I'm shipping out in 12 days and I just don't know what's going to happen when I get back. They have a veterinary major that includes equine, but I just don't know. I have a trainer's mindset, whether it's dogs, horses, or people. Am I cut out for medically treating and helping animals? After working in retail...I never want to work with people like that for a long period of time. EVER. It's just frustrating...Horses are what I know. I'm good at sports, writing, editing, researching, physical aspects, leading, etc. but what am I really? Please, tell me, because I'm having a hell of a time trying to find out.
I just want my life back. I want my horse back. I want to go for long rides with my dog trailing along side and the wind catching our breath. I want that. I had it, and I let it slip through my fingers. How stupid I was. Even though I deleted all her pictures and hid any memory of her from my sight, she still holds a place in my heart that I can never hide from myself. And it HURTS. And I just wish I could have stopped it.
