Yes. Blondie is gone. I reluctantly and regrettably sold her to a young girl named Madison. I have no doubt in my mind that she will love Blondie unconditionally and that Blondie will aim to please her in return. Blondie is good like that...
I knew that I would regret handing over her papers. I knew that it would break me. I knew that it would hurt me every day of my life. I knew, and it does. I drive home from work every night, roll down the windows, turn the radio low, and cry. Every time. How long this feeling will last is unknown and unbearable. In all other aspects of my life I am happy and content. But then it always comes back to the memory of her. And I break all over again. I've erased her pictures, boxed away her remnants and tack. I want not to feel burdened to her departure or the very memory of her leaving in an unknown trailer, the confused look in her eye.
Blondie was my life's purpose. She was me. My lifeline. Now that she is gone I am without purpose again; constantly changing my college major. I seem to find no inspiration to continue within any degree anyway. I don't know where I am going in life anymore, only that I am going. Awaiting the day I can see Blondie once more. After all, I asked Blondie's new owners to consider myself as first option to buy her back upon their selling of her in the future. I am hoping that that will be the case.
Right now, my distraction from such thoughts and feelings are of finding a new apartment for my roommate and I. Hopefully moving into a place of my own and working for it will be of some satisfaction as I am almost 20 years old. Independence is key [to a happy and fulfilling life]. Without Blondie..we'll see how far that can go. I do not plan on boycotting horses or riding altogether. I can never push aside that part of my life. But it will help me overcome the emptiness I have brought upon myself. Hopefully.
"It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt because it matters." -anonymous
Maybe some day, you can buy her back.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog, read your story. I've been through something similar.. kinda except I never owned the horse, just rode her almost every day of the week for a few years, then when I was about 16 they wanted to sell her. I didn't know until later that they asked my parents if they wanted to buy her for me.. they couldn't they didn't have the time or money for a horse. It still makes me cry. I loved that horse and had an amazing connection with her. Every time I see a tall grey horse it makes me think of her. They did let me say goodbye to her before she went to some lady in Germany, that was very hard and still remember that moment exactly. She taught me so many great things, and because of her I've always wanted my own horse. I'm 27 now and finally have my own 2 horses. They will never replace her though.. never. But I have beautiful memories that I will cherish the rest of my life =) you're not alone. I wish you so much luck and strength in all you do. You will do great things, trust in that and when the time is right everything will fall in to place even though it might not feel like it right now.
ReplyDeleteIt as really fun to be showjumping again after having done some eventing and hunting both butch and I feel really fresh and good. Horse blankets
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