7 Long Months Later...

Well after 10 weeks in hell and 6-7 months in training I flew 3 connecting flights home as an official member of the United States Army. I can't really remember much from before BCT, but I do know that Blondie was sold by her owners just a couple days after I shipped out for training. How I got such shitty luck I don't know. They emailed me trying to sell her back to me, but not having a phone or any sort of contact while away they sold her to someone else. I've been going through the motions to try and find her and so far have come up with nothing. Some of the people I've contacted about her don't seem to be very happy that I am looking for her. By now she's supposedly somewhere in West Virginia(?). I am willing to travel across the US to find this horse. And at this point, I think that's what I'll end up having to do. Let the adventure begin..

April 30th, 2014.

A year after selling Blondie. I feel...I don't know what I feel. I did get that apartment I talked about. I'm 20 years old now. I dropped out of college due to failing at finding a career I have a passion for. I joined the Army. I ship out on May 12th until February 19th, 2015. I'm still looking into other colleges and degrees so that I can have a career under my feet. I have no clue what I am doing...

Ever since Blondie left, life ceased to make sense. It still doesn't make sense. There's nothing I care about. I've cried soooooo many nights alone in my apartment. I've been running more to get rid of the waning feeling of depression. I've been fighting off sadness, anxiety, and the feeling of being useless. Every time I get up, I watch myself fall right back down. And then I just don't care whether I get back up or not. I mean, what do you do when your life is stripped from you? The only thing that matters to your soul, your being, your personal values and beliefs? It's still hard. It only feels like it's getting harder.

My brother shipped out for the Marines. I miss him. My sister is already looking into college and will be off on her own in a year or so. I'm worried about her, but proud. And then there's me. I'm stuck in this rut. Ever since Blondie left I've been stuck, indecisive, sleepless, over-thinking, depressed, lost. Mostly lost. How could one soul have such a huge impact on a person? I feel like Blondie left along with half of my soul. How do I get that back?

When I was taking classes at Owens  Community College, trying to find some kind of distraction, I made a video for my Humanities class. I made it about Blondie. The last time I ever did Join-Up with her. My teacher really liked it, even praised me and told the other classes about it. She said it was so emotional after I explained what was going on in the video:

The first half of the video is of Blondie when she was healthy and very happy. When she was trustful and willing. I'd had her for almost a year and known her for almost 3 years by that time. The last half is after she was neglected by some VERY DISGRACEFUL PEOPLE who should be in jail for their crime. She was angry, dangerous, and temperamental. Join-up was the only real way to bring her back body, mind, and soul. She had even got a few good kicks in when I had gotten too close in the pasture. I remember walking into the house with a big hoof print on my jeans. Although I didn't punish her for that. I deserved it. It was my fault.

BUT here's the video....

I've been looking into Ohio State University, but I don't even feel like there's a point to college anymore. I'm shipping out in 12 days and I just don't know what's going to happen when I get back. They have a veterinary major that includes equine, but I just don't know. I have a trainer's mindset, whether it's dogs, horses, or people. Am I cut out for medically treating and helping animals? After working in retail...I never want to work with people like that for a long period of time. EVER. It's just frustrating...Horses are what I know. I'm good at sports, writing, editing, researching, physical aspects, leading, etc. but what am I really? Please, tell me, because I'm having a hell of a time trying to find out.

I just want my life back. I want my horse back. I want to go for long rides with my dog trailing along side and the wind catching our breath. I want that. I had it, and I let it slip through my fingers. How stupid I was.  Even though I deleted all her pictures and hid any memory of her from my sight, she still holds a place in my heart that I can never hide from myself. And it HURTS. And I just wish I could have stopped it.

March 3rd, 2013.

Yes. Blondie is gone. I reluctantly and regrettably sold her to a young girl named Madison. I have no doubt in my mind that she will love Blondie unconditionally and that Blondie will aim to please her in return. Blondie is good like that...

I knew that I would regret handing over her papers. I knew that it would break me. I knew that it would hurt me every day of my life. I knew, and it does. I drive home from work every night, roll down the windows, turn the radio low, and cry. Every time. How long this feeling will last is unknown and unbearable. In all other aspects of my life I am happy and content. But then it always comes back to the memory of her. And I break all over again. I've erased her pictures, boxed away her remnants and tack. I want not to feel burdened to her departure or the very memory of her leaving in an unknown trailer, the confused look in her eye.

Blondie was my life's purpose. She was me. My lifeline. Now that she is gone I am without purpose again; constantly changing my college major. I seem to find no inspiration to continue within any degree anyway. I don't know where I am going in life anymore, only that I am going. Awaiting the day I can see Blondie once more. After all, I asked Blondie's new owners to consider myself as first option to buy her back upon their selling of her in the future. I am hoping that that will be the case.

Right now, my distraction from such thoughts and feelings are of finding a new apartment for my roommate and I. Hopefully moving into a place of my own and working for it will be of some satisfaction as I am almost 20 years old. Independence is key [to a happy and fulfilling life]. Without Blondie..we'll see how far that can go. I do not plan on boycotting horses or riding altogether. I can never push aside that part of my life. But it will help me overcome the emptiness I have brought upon myself. Hopefully.

"It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt because it matters." -anonymous

Ornery Antics

Blondie is getting better!! Not to mention ornery. I have to keep her inside more now that she is stretching the fence all to hell. Today I took the bottom row of wire off, in hopes that she would be more obliged to eat the grass under the fence, rather than over it. But still, the other day when I let her out in the pasture I got after her for going over the fence again and she lashed out at me, getting pretty close with both hind feet. So I made her go around the pasture a couple times, working her this way and that, to get some energy out while also showing her that kicking (and aiming) at me is unacceptable. She doesn't seem to like my sister's goats too much. She will eat around Orion (the goat in the picture) but pins her ears back when she goes near the other goats. I don't know why she feels the need to defend herself when they are 5 times smaller than her.

She might just be getting a little too spoiled, what with all this hay, grain, and pasture area all to herself. Not to mention she has the comforts of a 2 horse stall, which most horses never get to experience. I don't mind cleaning it every day though. It's something I'm used to. It gives me some time alone from everyone else, considering I don't have my own room anymore (or any room at all for the matter). It's kind of like Blondie and I share it as a place of our own. That is, until the goat stall gets built. Then it'll be gone too.

Sadie really likes the new routine of feeding the horse every morning, cleaning the pasture and stall at 3pm, and night feeding at 6-7pm. She really thinks she's a horse. The other day she was eating snow next to Blondie, as Blondie was grazing on grass. Trying to make a statement Sadie?? Silly dog. She even eats Blondie's grain. Now when I feed Blondie, I have to make sure Sadie is a safe distance away or Blondie gets irritated and pins her ears. I don't need to make a trip to the vet. Yikes!

One in a million

They say a person's horse is the mirror image of themselves, and that sometimes you don't like what you see. Blondie & I have both been through Hell and back, but I don't see why God shouldn't give us a chance just to be. We may be banged up a little, but we always find each other in the end. It just took us awhile to realize that neither one can live without the other.

I think what we both needed was for someone to let loose on the reins and just let us be free. To stop holding us back and locking us down into what they thought we needed. And that's what we found in each other; freedom. We found life, and hope, and meaning. The world made sense again.

We always find our way back to each other, because we are two parts to one whole. One soul, two beings. We are each other's purpose; each other's definition and meaning. We are one. We can feel each other entirely with our hearts, hear each other's thoughts. We are one of a kind; one in a million.

Every day I question myself about selling her, and every day I tell myself it will only hurt for a little while. That I will look back at our time together and smile and be thankful. Every day I push down that realization that it's NOT just going to go away. Surely, I will not be able to lose her without first losing a part of myself. It's going to hurt...It's going to hurt because it matters.

Maybe I'll continue to laugh; to smile. Maybe I'll hide that crack in my heart or maybe I'll cry for days, months...but there will always be those nights where the memory will tear me apart. You try spending 18 years finding the one thing that makes sense in the world & then have no choice but to let it go. See how easily you break & deteriorate. How quickly you lose faith & motivation.

Yea, so there are rules in life like paying taxes, working for your keep, or buying your own house. Things you have to do in order to live a good life. But what's all that worth in the end if you're not doing what you love? Success is determined by happiness. Not the other way around. All I know are horses. They are my life. Blondie is my life. What else do I have when that is gone?? Everything I've been taught, everything I've seen or learned will become of no use. I will become of no use. What then?
     Life isn't supposed to be easy. But it's not supposed to be something you regret. The problem is, people are generally given one or the other. And I already know how this story ends.

All I Have

I'm getting tired of everyone telling me how great Blondie is and how we're two parts to one soul. And how I should be considered crazy for trying to sell her. I already know that she is part of me, but I'm not crazy for selling her. If I had a choice I'd keep her. But choices aren't in my favor. I spent all morning the other day filling out financial aid paperwork for the stack of medical bills that have been endlessly provoking me. I still have yet to land a job, and that isn't looking too hopeful either. The world isn't the same anymore. Things are harder. Decisions have to be made. I'll be in debt because of those med bills until I'm old and wrinkly. Not to mention I have college loans to pay off from Findlay. I don't have the money to pay my car insurance and I have nothing else...I just have Blondie. That's it. And I have no choice but to give her up and make sure she has a home where she won't be mistreated ever again. I find it..UNBELIEVABLY sad that I seem to be the only one who knows how to take care of her. She deserves to live a long and fat life. But I won't be able to give it to her. Especially not while I'm trying to get back on my feet as well. I'm doing my best to give her what she needs. This month alone she needs shots & vaccines, her teeth floated, more dewormer, and possibly the farrier. It just keeps getting harder. God must really stretch his ways in order to test us this much (not that I'm complaining). If everything turns out "okay in the end" it doesn't really matter. Nothing really matters to me anymore. Everyone keeps telling me to "sink or float." Well no matter how far, hard, or long you swim to stay afloat, eventually you will sink. It's more like a crappy riddle than any kind of advice. I'd rather just stick to my own terms. 

Crazy horse

So I came home from class today to find Blondie caught up in the fence and tearing it apart. Oi! She's eaten her pasture down to the roots already so she's been trying to reach over the fence. Well, her blanket got caught on the wire and decided she wasn't going anywhere. There wasn't a whole lot of damage though. I just had to tighten the top two wires. Her blanket was hanging completely down to her hoof, so tomorrow I'll have to figure out a way to rig it so that it doesn't move. Grrr. I also expanded her "temporary" stall so she has more room than any horse I've known. Which, of course, she "broke in" pretty quickly. I'll be cleaning that up tomorrow. I took the time to groom her from head to hoof, conditioned her hooves, put a clean wrap on her leg, combed out her mane, put MTG in her tail....and when I come back from getting fresh water she has dirt all over her face and straw in every inch of her mane and tail...I couldn't help but throw my hands up and laugh to death. Crazy horse.

Less Ouch, More Oomf

Blondie's leg is looking better today. I kept it wrapped all night and throughout the day before redressing it tonight. I'll have to wash the pillow and bandages though. They absorbed most of the drainage. Her new blanket also came in the mail, which I immediately put on her when I got home from class. It should keep her warm enough with this freezing weather we've been having lately. Tonight it should reach -9 degrees with snow. No worries, as Blondie is cooped up in her stall for the night.

In Recovery

Two days ago I found a deep cut on Blondie's left, hind pastern. It wasn't fresh and looked as if the skin around the cut had started to peel away and harden. As I am still in the process of completing her overall grooming to get her to 100% health, I hadn't found the cut, but did notice her fetlock was swollen. I originally assumed it was from her standing in mud all day at the barn because the rest of her legs looked slightly swollen. It wasn't until I made my way through another layer of caked-on mud until I found it. I immediately washed it with warm water, very carefully, and doused it with hydrogen peroxide. The amount of foam it produced only made me worry more. Before tucking her in for the night I put on a salve to keep dirt from getting into it and conditioned her other hooves as well as rubbing vetrolin lininment on her swollen fetlocks. I waited until after class today to check on her cut. Let's just say I wasn't happy with the way it looked, even though it had stayed clean. Her other legs were back to normal size and her hooves looked better, but the injured pastern had swollen to twice the size it was the day before. It did look as though it had drained the infection out, which is always a good sign.

 I cleaned it with warm water again to remove any specs of dirt before putting peroxide on again (this time creating less foam!). I rubbed on some Neosporin and covered it with gauze and sporting tape. I found my leg-pillows in my college stuff from Findlay as well as my adhesive bandages and wrapped up her leg as well as I could so that she wouldn't rub it against anything overnight. I made sure to leave it loose enough for movement. Being a newby at wrapping legs, I'm hoping I don't wake up to find it torn to shreds in her stall. If the swelling doesn't go down or it looks even worse, I plan on making a call to the vet tomorrow. Let's pray that that doesn't have to happen!!

Healthy and Happy

Blondie's stall is bedded and clean already. Using straw makes it somewhat of a hassle though. Especially when trying to conserve the straw as much as possible. Blondie doesn't seem to mind the swap from wood shavings to straw. I just hope she doesn't end up mixing her hay in with it and eating it by accident. Yuck! Having her at home makes it so much easier for both of us. Her ears are already perkier and her color is even better! Plus, she eats every grain of her feed and devours her hay. Overall she is doing immaculate!

"Home on the range"

I woke up yesterday morning to go stand in the freezing cold at the stable, waiting for Blondie to finally get in the trailer, so I could bring her to my parents' house. I got a fence put up over the weekend with the help of my younger sister (you should check out her blog: http://teenfarmgirl.blogspot.com/ ). I had her halfway in the trailer before she snatched the peppermint from my hand and backed out....the little brat. So, an hour later she finally got in the trailer. Once we got her to my parents' farm she adjusted almost immediately (probably because her pasture has grass). We put up a makeshift stall in the barn as well, which is just big enough for her. I had a friend come over and help me figure out a way to put a make-shift blanket on her. We only had two pieces of fleece, but two was enough considering she didn't have anything else. Today I plan on cleaning her pasture of droppings, cleaning her stall, and continuing her grooming (especially her tail).

Red Zone

Welp, since my leaser ended the lease without telling me or my boarder and then took off without answering any of my messages, I now have a major problem concerning Blondie. I have yet to find a new job and don't have the finances to pay for her board...which is kind of a big deal considering her board runs $250 a month. My only hope right now is to find a job before my boarder kicks me out...which means Blondie won't have anywhere to go unless I just let her run free..which would be a bad idea in Ohio. It's either that or the auction...which isn't a good idea either since meat companies usually buy unwanted horses from just about every auction. Urg...this is so screwed up. Anyone interested in buying Blondie and saving me from selling her to a potential meat packer??...

Re-united at last!

Blondie is starting to look great! Getting back up to weight and being very calm and willing. I thought that she might refuse or buck after getting on her because I haven't ridden her since July. With everything that she went through her attitude was a little more skittish and temperamental than usual. But she did better than ever! Almost as if she had never stopped being worked! I did have a little bit of mood from her when I asked her to canter, but I don't blame her. We're both out of shape!
My legs were shaking just from trotting! We did okay though for the first time in a long time. Now we can only move forward. I've also got several people asking about her sale ad too!

Makes me sick

 I got a phone call last month from the lady I leased Blondie to and she told me that she had gone up to Michigan, where the Breeders had her, and found her emaciated. She immediately loaded her onto a trailer and brought her back to Ohio where I am able to keep an eye on her. The Breeders completely neglected her and had told my leaser that she was gaining weight. Does it look like she's gaining weight to you?! Blondie, being a thoroughbred, is not an easy keeper (meaning it's hard to keep weight on her), but she has never NEVER been this skinny before. Nor should she have ever become this skinny. The Breeders supposedly have grass pastures with knee-high grass.

So obviously, something is wrong here. Especially since they would not release the vet records from the check-ups she "supposedly" received after being bred. When my leaser gave me the phone call I immediately asked for the pictures they took of her, and boiling over, I got the address where she is now being kept under watchful eyes, and went to see her myself. Something in my guy had told me not to go along with the deal, but I gave in because I had no other options. Now I see that I should have followed my instincts. Knowing that this happened to MY horse (or any horse for that matter) completely sets me on fire. Blondie is an amazing creature. She should have never had to go through with this. I can tell you one thing, I WILL be contacting the Humane Society to report animal neglect. Blondie deserves some justice for this spite of cruelty.

Boy or Girl??

Blondie is believed to be in foal!! The tests haven't come back positive yet, but since she won't come back into heat, that very well could mean she has a baby on the way! If so, then she should give birth around the summer. I can't wait to see what the foal will look like :D this will be her first foal at 7 years old. I kinda wish I would have been able to breed her myself and keep the first foal, but life chose otherwise.

She is going up for sale again. My medical bills have been piling up on my desk with no way to get rid of them. Sooooo despite my efforts to keep her, I made the decision to put her up for sale again. There's no way I'll be able to pay for her with the debt I already have to pay off thanks to my trips to the hospital these past 2 months.

IF she does sell, I will never buy another horse again. I will continue riding, but no more horse. Ever. No horse would ever be able to fill the gap that belonged to Blondie. She was the one horse for me. That can't be undone.